Trying for a Second Baby in Your 40s?

Having a kid after 40 can feel like a mind-blowing triumph, but what happens if you want to give your child a sibling? We know lots of women who've had two kids in their 40s, naturally or through IVF, and plenty who are trying but aren't having luck yet. We also know moms who've always wanted only one kid, and those who are gradually resigning themselves to one-and-done. 

A neighborhood listserv in Brooklyn is hosting a discussion by moms in their 40s who are trying for a second child. Sample comments: "My two-year-old daughter wants a sibling and I feel like I'm failing." "I'm a single mom, and at 45 I don't see how I can pull off having another kid." "After too many expensive IVF cycles and a miscarriage, I'm giving up." "We have two frozen embryos, but at 44, my body is too worn out so we're not going to try them."

Women who did have a second kid in their 40s haven't chimed in yet, probably because they're not looking for support on this issue as much as their single-child peers are. Since that Brooklyn listserv is members-only and and charges a fee, we thought we'd open up our free lines to any parents out there who'd like to weigh in about your own experiences. All perspectives are welcome: the struggle to conceive or carry a pregnancy the second time around; success having another baby in your 40s, naturally or through ART; facing the reality of having one child; exploring other options, like adoption or fostering; or knowing that "one" is the magic number for you. 

Please email us anytime, or start a comments thread below. Crunch Time readers seem to prefer email, but we always welcome comments, Tweets, and any/all forms of communication.

In the meantime, we came across this funny and inspiring piece on the PBS Newshour site: "The Case for Having Just One Kid." Some of you will relate and others may not, but check it out if you have a moment and chime in with any thoughts if you'd like.

For every finger-wagging, you-must-have-at-least-two-kids comment out there (in print or in person), there's an argument like the PBS writer makes above, or like this one from The Week, about how the writer's one-child family "was the best decision I ever made."

Ten kids, two kids, one kid, no kids: Every version brings its own kind of joy, pain, sacrifice, and freedom. But we'll stop now before we're tempted to sign off with a neat sum-up of what's in fact an incredibly wrenching, messy, and live debate for many of us. Instead we'll invite you to please get in touch or share your own perspectives in an essay or Q&A. Contact us for details, and thank you!

Photo by Amy Treasure.