You're Invited! Check Out These Events to Celebrate the Launch of Tick Tock

To celebrate the launch of Tick Tock: Essays on Becoming a Parent After 40, please join the authors for a series of book events. I’ll be on a panel for the October 6 virtual event, hosted by Brooklyn’s Community Bookstore. Spread the word!

Tick Tock...

It’s been a minute since I last posted. More like 10 minutes. On the plus side, so far my family is muddling through these 19 ghastly pandemic months (and counting) mostly unscathed—or only slightly scathed. It’s been just a broken foot here, a tech meltdown there, a few “can’t you for once stop working and listen to me!” screams from the under-eight set in the house (they’re well within their rights). While we, meaning I, plot the return of a more active Crunch Time, I’m thrilled to announce the publication of the book Tick Tock: Essays on Becoming a Parent After 40. I wrote an essay in there, amid the three dozen pieces in this well-timed anthology, beautifully edited and compiled by Vicki Breitbart and Nan Bauer-Maglin. It’s published by Dottir Press and officially comes out on Sept. 21. Please pre-order your copy now.

My Arab-Jewish Marriage: A Backstory

I wrote this essay for Mondoweiss during the Gaza siege in May 2021. I felt panicky the morning it went live on Mondoweiss’s homepage—it’s been a while since I’ve ventured into the personal-and-political moshpit—but the reactions I’ve gotten to the piece have been deeply moving, edifying, thought-provoking and more. Here goes.

Photo by Emad El Byed on Unsplash

Virtual Hugs to Women Who Are Pregnant During Covid, Or Aren't Yet

“Yeah, everything is so F’ing hard right now. But we’re lucky that we’re not…” insert: “Sick with Covid-19.” Or “intubated in the hospital.” Or “taking care of newborns.” Or “out of wine.” Screw the toilet paper. It’s the extra glass of wine that we all need right about now.

Unless we’re pregnant. Pregnant women during Covid may crave a tipple more than anyone on Earth, but that’s the least of anyone’s worries. It’s hard for a pregnant woman these days to know exactly how anxious to feel, or not to feel, especially when the sources she might normally turn to—like the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists or the CDC—don’t really know either.

Here at Crunch Time, we’re optimistic that the vast majority of pregnant women and their babies will be just fine, especially if they’re not testing positive for the coronavirus. Early studies of pregnancy and childbirth in the Covid era seem to indicate good outcomes. While it’s true that trying to stay safe right now means taking more (and weirder) precautions than ever, and being trapped indoors 99 percent of the time, most reports we’re hearing from women who have given birth in the middle of all this give us reason for hope.

If you’re in your 40s or late 30s and are nervous about the closing window for getting pregnant, take heart that you still have time. And with any luck, the American Society of Reproductive Medicine will soon revise its policy of stopping all elective fertility treatments for the time being, until more evidence comes to light.

But as some IVF patients have pointed out, there are no public health advisories asking people to stop trying to get pregnant naturally during Covid. It doesn’t seem right to ask only IVF patients to stop, especially when they’re at an age when time is more limited. No evidence so far points to any negative consequences for babies or women in this crisis.

Here’s hoping the petition by Dr. Beverly Reed, a fertility specialist in Texas, to reverse the ASRM’s policy about halting fertility treatments will lead to a policy change, and soon. It has 20,000 signatures as of today.

In the meantime, here’s a lovely piece by a 42-year-old woman who is navigating pregnancy during Covid, from my alma mater, Oprah Magazine.

In the meantime, stay safe and sane, everyone.

Photo courtesy of Alicia Petresc, via Unsplash.

"The End of Babies," But Not the End of Long, Rancorous Comment Threads

The “End of Babies” piece that appeared in the New York Times this week, by the talented writer Anna Louie Sussman, is coming in for the special type of abuse reserved for articles that examine the pros and cons of having babies, delaying parenthood, or skipping it altogether. When, heaven forbid, the journalist enters the story and attempts to come to terms with her own reasons for not having babies, or for wanting babies, or for making whatever decisions she’s making, the abuse ratchets up a few notches.

One theme in the comments is about adoption. It’s worth noting that, contrary to what some commenters imply, Sussman does not at any point promote having one’s own kids instead of adopting. She wrestles with the “inherent narcissism of preserving own’s own genetic material when there are so many children without parents.” At the end, she admits to “craving genetic continuity, however tenuous and fictitious it might be,” and to understanding the emotional desire for it. By doing so, she brings on herself a punishing string of responses, but we won’t quote those here. Best to read the article itself, and dip into the comments if you have the time/inclination/masochistic streak.

Still, the upside of a long comments thread is that the best discussion often happens among the commenters themselves (if anyone has the patience to follow the thread for that long, which I only do in the rarest cases).

From the Sussman comment thread, now at almost 1400 and counting, here’s one worth republishing—a response from one Susan in Portland, OR, to another commenter:

“That which is a joy for one person is not a joy for another. I don't think childless people feel that their love is in any way diminished because they do not want children. …Parenting takes work and now, very commonly, both parents already have work outside the home and they are exhausted when they get home. Baby-having works more easily when generations lived together and older relatives were home to care for children. Many single people, as well as couples without children, find meaningful love, receive love, and give love that has nothing to do with parenting. Love is where you choose to find it and is worthy in all its forms.”

Amen to that.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash.

Keep It Down: Blood Pressure Checks Are a Lifesaver for Pregnant Women, Now More Than Ever

A new report on blood pressure risks for pregnant women is all over the news this week—that is, if you subscribe to health news alerts for “advanced maternal age” women. You don’t? We do, so listen up:

The rates of high blood pressure among pregnant women are going up significantly since the early ‘70s. according to a new study published in American Heart Association’s journal Hypertension.

The study looked at rates of chronic hypertension in pregnant women, i.e. high blood pressure that shows up in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. The report was based on a study of 150 million women between 1970 and 2010.

While the study doesn’t point to reasons for the rise, it notes that African American women as well as women of “advanced maternal age” are at significantly higher risk.

“There was a very, very striking advanced maternal age effect,” said Cande Ananth, the chief author of the study, as quoted in Physician’s Weekly. “Women are electing to postpone pregnancy. The mean age at which women become pregnant has increased by four to five years over a four-decade period. And we know that older maternal age is associated with hypertension.”

It’s important for women of all demographics to keep tabs on our blood pressure, but women who fit into one of the higher-risk categories should get a head start on talking to our doctors and managing the risk.

Chronic hypertension and gestational hypertension (the kind that happens after 20 weeks) are both risk factors for preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition that kicks in late in pregnancy.

See more on that here, and most important of all, see your doctor and ask how to best keep tabs on and control your blood pressure throughout your pregnancy, and beyond.

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash.

This Small Minneapolis Birth Center Is Setting an Example for Every U.S. Hospital

The state of Minnesota has only one practicing midwife who identifies as black, according to this article in the Guardian. This isn’t just a statistic. Structural racism and implicit bias are real across the entire medical profession in the U.S., and they’re having a profound impact on the health, survival and childbirth experience of women of color. Even though structural racism in U.S. hospitals is an issue that’s gotten more press over the past few years, it’s still nowhere near getting addressed head-on. Black women in the U.S. are still three times as likely to die in pregnancy or childbirth as white women, and according to the Guardian, “African American babies in Minnesota are twice as likely as white babies to die in their first year.” That risk goes up, even if slightly, for women over 35.

Why are black women more at risk? Studies show that a significant factor is the lifetime of racist and culturally insensitive treatment, both overt and subtle, they’ve received from doctors, nurses and medical staff. Outright medical neglect, along with the physical and emotional damage caused by years of implicit bias at the doctor’s office, has life or death consequences, and it’s contributing to the higher than average maternal mortality rate for black women. We already know that around the world, the more personally attentive treatment that midwives offer is correlated to healthier pregnancies and birth outcomes. But here in the U.S., midwives aren’t always treated with respect by obstetricians and the medical profession, and we’re seeing the results of this in the highest rate of maternal mortality in the developing world.

At Roots Community Birth Center in Minneapolis, founding midwife Rebecca Polston is giving black women and all women who seek her help the chance to experience a more attentive, respectful, culturally attuned pregnancy and childbirth. And according to the Guardian, the center is showing results. Roots Community had zero preterm births for its African American women clients in 2017, and only a 3 percent rate of first-time Caesareans.

With any luck, the positive media attention around Roots Community Birth Center will lead more centers like it to start opening around the U.S., and more midwives like Poulston—and doulas like Brooklyn’s Tia Dowling-Ketant—to have the chance to give women the personalized childbirth experience that can save lives.

Read more about Tia here, and about Polston in this inspiring Guardian photo essay.

Photo above by Alekon pictures on Unsplash.

We Say Yes to Meghan Markle's Non-Postpartum Pic

Someone had to put a stop to the insane post-baby glam shot, and it obviously wasn’t going to be Kate Middleton. We’re not taking sides in the supposed Meghan vs Kate divide (we frankly don’t care that much about the Royals, recent evidence to the contrary), but we’re fully down with Meghan’s decision not to get herself all done up for a photo shoot, minutes after sending a screaming human shooting out of her body.

Kate’s always-flawless I-was-born-that-way-I-woke-up-that-way look is terrific for her and for her prince (see baby Prince George pic above), but it sucks for nearly every other woman on Earth.

Was Meghan influenced by Chelsea Hirschorn, CEO of Fridababy, who wrote a public plea via an ad in the New York Times to convince her not to pose immediately post-baby?

“Sure, it’s possible to have a hair and makeup SWAT team come in and work their magic to conceal the realities of what just happened, but is that really what we want women focused on in those first few hours postpartum?” Hirschorn asked. “Why doesn’t she get rolled out in a wheelchair sitting on a throne of ice as the rest of us?”

Did Meghan feel swayed by Keira Knightley’s criticism of Princess Kate’s ready-for-primetime postpartum photo shoots? “Hide our pain, our bodies splitting…Look beautiful. Look stylish, don’t show your battleground, Kate,” she wrote sarcastically to the Duchess of Windsor, as quoted in InStyle.

Who knows why Meghan did what she did (or didn’t do it) after baby Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor popped out? Whatever the reason, count us in and score one for Meg.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons via Gov.UK.

Listen Up: Our Newly Updated Doctor Recs for Older Moms-to-Be

We’ve been keeping our ears open for enthusiastic referrals to OB-GYNs, reproductive endocrinologists, fertility clinics and other women’s health and reproductive specialists who are especially supportive of the “advanced maternal age” set. As we all know, a skilled doctor who actually listens, supports our parenting and health goals, keeps us in the loop, and cheers us on when we need it is priceless. Those doctors are everywhere, but also pretty hard to find!

The strongest recommendations we’ve heard so far are listed right here. The list definitely has more doctors in the NYC area than elsewhere. Please help us adjust the balance!

Many thanks to those of you who’ve written us with your referrals. Keep them coming!

Photo by Alireza Attari via Unsplash.